To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Note: We found this again on our Facebook page. We’ve no idea who to give credit to – if you do, please let us know and we will edit and attribute accordingly. 

Windsor Greys Jubilee Statue Appeal

Private individuals in Windsor and Berkshire are seeking to raise funds for the Windsor Greys Jubilee project to raise a statue to a pair of Windsor Greys,  the breed of horse that always draw the Queen’s carriage, as well as all the Royal carriages – see photo below of the Greys pulling William and Kate’s Wedding Carriage. Windsor Greys are not a specific breed of horse but are rather a name applied to a group of horses that are specially bred and selected according to appearance and temperament for the ceremonial duties of the British Monarchy. At present, about thirty Greys are in Royal service and are housed at the Royal Mews.

The statue project suffered a setback when the chosen artist, sculptor Althea Wynne, was killed in a car crash. Robert Rattray, a sculptor specializing in wildlife, will now carry the project forward. It is hoped that the bronze statue will be placed on the A308/A322 roundabout adjoining the Long Walk in Windsor and will commemorate Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee in the town of Windsor, as Queen Victoria’s Diamond Jubilee is commemorated there by the statue of that monarch at the entrance of Windsor Castle.

Rosemary Ussher, one of the driving forces behind the campaign, told The Observer, “It is very important we recognise The Queen’s contribution to our society, but the horses will now also be in memory of Althea.”

You can donate by sending a donation to Windsor Greys Jubilee Appeal, 35 Queen’s Road, Windsor, Berkshire SL4 3BQ or by clicking here.

Fab Photos of Queen Elizabeth II at the V and A

Kristine and Victoria are sad to report that we will miss the V and A Museum’s exhibit of Cecil Beaton’s photographs of Queen Elizabeth II, which is scheduled to close in London on April 22, 2012.  We will share  little of it with you today, and here is the website.  Below is the schedule for additional presentations of the exhibit in the UK, Canada, and Australia.

Beaton’s talents for portrait photography were unrivaled, and he exercised them fully when the subject was the Queen.

Curtis Moffat, ‘Cecil Beaton’  about 1925
Gelatin silver print; Museum no. E.1556-2007
Sir Cecil W. H. Beaton (1904-1980) created hundreds of iconic portraits of celebrities ad designed sets and costumes for theatre and film.  As a photographer for Vogue magazine, he lived what he saw, and was named to Hall of Fame of the Best Dressed List.  Among his best known work
Princess Elizabeth by Cecil Beaton, March 1945
 Museum no. PH.1746-1987
Princess Elizabeth and Prince Charles, Gelatin silver print, December 1948, Buckingham Palace
Museum no. PH.218-1987

Beaton photographed Queen Elizabeth before she came to the throne in 1952, and he took her official Coronation portrait.

Queen Elizabeth II by Cecil Beaton, 2 June 1953
Museum no. PH.311-1987

Beaton was renowned for his romantic portraits of Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother.

Queen Elizabeth, Buckingham Palace Garden, 1939
Gelatin silver print Museum no. E.1374-2010
Queen Elizabeth II by Cecil Beaton tours throughout 2012, the year of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.
United Kingdom

Dundee, McManus Gallery – 30 September 2011 – 8 January 2012

Leeds City Museum – 8 May – 24 June 2012
Norwich Castle Museum – 7 July – 30 September 2012
Laing Art Gallery, Tyne & Wear – 13 October – 2 December 2012

Fine Art Gallery, Ballarat, Australia – 25 February – 15 April 2012
Royal British Columbia Museum, Victoria, British Columbia, Canada – 1 June – 3 September 2012
Perhaps the only compensation for missing this exhibition is that the book Queen Elizabeth II: Portraits by Cecil Beaton by Susanna Brown is available from the V and A Shop, here.
From the book’s description:  “… This fascinating book explores Beaton’s long relationship with the Queen and the royal family, and describes how his royal portraits shaped the monarchy’s public image from the 1930s to the late 1960s… [and] moulded the world’s perception of a princess, monarch and mother.”

God Save the Queen(s)

In this Diamond Jubilee year, it’s perhaps fitting to reflect upon the reigns of both Queen Elizabeth II and Queen Victoria, England’s two longest reigning monarchs. To date, Queen Elizabeth has been on the throne for 60 years and still has a few years to go before breaking the regal record held by Queen Victoria for a reign of 63 years and 7 months (and 2 days).

Naturally, all monarchs begin their reigns upon the death of their predecessor.  
Queen Elizabeth, her grandmother, Queen Mary and her mother, Queen Elizabeth,  the Queen Mother at the funeral of Queen Elizabeth’s father, King George VI in February, 1952.
However, as is well known, Queen Victoria took her mourning upon the early death of her husband, Prince Albert, to a whole new level.
 The widowed Queen Victoria

To back up a bit, Victoria and her cousin Albert were married on February 10th, 1840, at the royal chapel of St. James, in London.

 Queen Elizabeth and her cousin, Prince Philip, were married on November 20, 1947 in Westminster Abbey, London.

Queen Victoria’s uninterrupted mourning affected all aspects of her life, not the least of which was her fashion sense, as can be seen by the dress above, on display at the Costume Museum in Bath. Queen Victoria stood a mere five feet tall and, as the above dress will attest, seemingly enjoyed her food.

 In contrast, Queen Elizabeth stands at a comparatively statuesque 5′ 4″, eats a bit less and is known for wearing an often bright and always colourful wardrobe.

One thing that Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth have in common is their love for horses and horseback riding. Each began riding early in their lives and continued to ride as long as they were able. Queen Elizabeth is still in the saddle . . . . . 

Queen Victoria’s Diamond Jubilee was marked by many celebrations, including, on 22 June 1897, a progress to St Paul’s Cathedral, where a short service of thanksgiving was held outside the building, as the Queen was too lame to manage the steps. Thankfully, Queen Elizabeth is in fine health and a host of Jubilee celebrations will be held throughout the land over the coming months.

The Queen’s 80th birthday portrait, taken in February 2006

Queen Victoria’s Diamond Jubilee Photo

Queen Elizabeth II’s Official Diamond Jubilee Portrait